Navigating Grief and Bereavement: Understanding Attachment, Emotions, and Finding Hope

National Grief Awareness Week is a week-long event that aims to raise awareness of grief and its impact on individuals. The event is held annually, and the dates vary each year. In 2024, National Grief Awareness Week will be held from December 2 to December 6.

Grief is one of life’s most profound experiences. It can touch every aspect of our being, and yet, it is a deeply personal journey. Whether it stems from the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or even major life transitions, grief is a natural response to loss. In this blog, we’ll explore how attachment shapes our experience of grief, introduce  interventions that support healing, and share practical tips to help you or someone you care about navigate bereavement.

Understanding Attachment and Loss: The Foundations of Grief

Attachment plays a central role in how we experience relationships and, ultimately, how we process loss. Our emotional bonds shape not only how we connect with others but also how we cope when those connections are broken. Let’s delve deeper into the relationship between attachment and loss and how it informs our grief responses.

What Is Attachment?

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, describes the emotional bonds we form with others, particularly during early childhood. These bonds serve as a foundation for how we interact with the world and establish relationships. The quality of attachment we develop often influences how we respond to loss.

Attachment is rooted in proximity-seeking behaviour, a survival mechanism that ensures a child stays close to caregivers. Over time, these bonds create a “secure base” from which we explore the world, providing comfort in times of stress and danger.

Attachment Styles and Grief Responses

As adults, our attachment styles—formed in childhood—often guide how we navigate loss:

1. Secure Attachment
   • Characteristics: Confidence in relationships, comfort with closeness, and trust in others.
   • Grief Response: Those with secure attachments often navigate grief more adaptively. They acknowledge their loss and seek support while gradually finding ways to rebuild.
2. Anxious Attachment
   • Characteristics: Fear of abandonment, craving closeness, and heightened emotional dependency.
   • Grief Response: Individuals with anxious attachment may experience prolonged, intense grief. They often struggle with feelings of abandonment and may ruminate over their loss.
3. Avoidant Attachment
   • Characteristics: Emotional independence, discomfort with closeness, and suppression of feelings.
   • Grief Response: Those with avoidant attachment may appear detached, avoiding the emotional pain of loss. However, this repression can lead to delayed or unresolved grief.
4. Disorganised Attachment
   • Characteristics: A mix of anxious and avoidant traits, often stemming from trauma or inconsistent caregiving.
   • Grief Response: Individuals may feel overwhelmed and struggle to process their emotions, leading to erratic or fragmented grief responses.

Attachment’s Role in Grief

Attachment bonds create a framework for how we experience and process loss. Here’s how attachment impacts the stages and complexity of grief:

1. The Role of Proximity
   Attachment ensures that relationships are not just emotionally significant but also physically close. Loss disrupts this proximity, creating a painful void.
2. Seeking Comfort
   When we lose a loved one, our attachment system activates, compelling us to seek their presence, even if it’s no longer possible. This can manifest as yearning or searching behaviours, such as talking to the deceased or visiting places associated with them.
3. Relearning the World
   Grieving involves “relearning” the world without the attachment figure. This process, often called meaning reconstruction, requires adapting to a new reality while preserving the emotional connection to the person lost.

The Dual Process Model of Grief

Grief is often described through Bowlby’s attachment lens, but another helpful framework is the Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement (Stroebe and Schut, 1999). This model highlights the dynamic interplay between two processes:

1. Loss-Oriented Activities
   • Focusing on the pain of the loss.
   • Includes crying, reminiscing, and processing emotions.
2. Restoration-Oriented Activities
   • Adjusting to life after the loss.
   • Includes managing daily responsibilities, forming new routines, and finding purpose.

Attachment influences how we oscillate between these two states. Securely attached individuals may find balance more easily, while those with anxious or avoidant tendencies might struggle with either overwhelming emotions or avoidance behaviours.

How Coaching Psychology Can Support Attachment Challenges in Grief

Coaching Psychology can be a powerful tool for helping individuals reframe their attachment-related responses to loss.

Key Coaching Approaches

1. Attachment Awareness Exercises
   • Exploring attachment patterns through reflective questions, such as:
     • “How do I typically seek comfort in relationships?”
     • “What support do I need right now, and how can I ask for it?”
2. Developing Emotional Agility
   • Emotional agility involves recognising and adapting to emotions without becoming stuck in them. Coaching Psychologists can guide clients through mindfulness practices or self-compassion techniques to manage grief’s emotional waves.
3. Values Exploration
   • Loss often triggers reflection on life’s meaning. By exploring personal values, clients can identify how to honour their loss while building a meaningful future.
4. Reconstructing a Secure Base
   • A coach can help clients identify supportive people, activities, or environments that provide stability and comfort after a loss.

Types of Grief
Grief manifests differently for everyone, but some common forms include:

• Acute grief: Intense, immediate sadness following a loss.
• Prolonged grief disorder: A more enduring, severe form of grief that affects daily life.
• Anticipatory grief: The sorrow felt when expecting an impending loss, such as with terminal illness.
• Disenfranchised grief: Grief that isn’t openly acknowledged, such as mourning a pet or the end of a friendship.

Recognising the type of grief you or someone else may be experiencing is a crucial step in seeking appropriate support.

Top Tips for Navigating Grief and Bereavement

1. Allow Yourself to Feel
Suppressing grief can prolong suffering. It’s okay to cry, feel angry, or even laugh—emotions during bereavement are valid and part of the healing process.

2. Seek Support
Don’t hesitate to reach out to trusted friends, family, or professional services. UK-based organisations like Cruse Bereavement Support (www.cruse.org.uk) and Samaritans (www.samaritans.org) offer free and confidential assistance.

3. Create a Ritual
Personal rituals can provide a sense of closure and connection. Planting a tree, writing a letter to your loved one, or lighting a candle on special days can help honour their memory.

4. Prioritise Self-Care
Grief can deplete physical and emotional energy. Eating nourishing food, staying hydrated, and getting rest are essential self-care practices.

Practical Activities to Support Healing

Grief Letter Writing
Write a letter to your lost loved one. Share your feelings, memories, and things you wish you could say. This can help process emotions and bring a sense of connection.

The Three Good Things Exercise
Each evening, jot down three positive moments from your day. This scientifically backed positive psychology practice can shift focus to hope and small joys.

Guided Imagery for Comfort
Imagine a safe, comforting space where you feel at peace. Visualising yourself in this space can reduce anxiety and provide a mental retreat when grief feels overwhelming.

Coaching Conversations
Book a coaching session to explore your goals and challenges post-loss. Sessions can provide clarity, direction, and strategies to rebuild life after bereavement.

When to Seek Professional Help

Grief is natural, but if it begins to interfere significantly with daily life or leads to prolonged emotional distress, seeking professional help is important. Resources such as the NHS Talking Therapies (www.nhs.uk) or the Mental Health Foundation (www.mentalhealth.org.uk) can connect you with therapists and counsellors trained in bereavement.

Finding Light in the Darkness

Grief is a journey that no one should walk alone. By understanding how attachment shapes our response to loss and leveraging tools from positive and coaching psychology, we can find ways to cope, heal, and eventually thrive. Whether you’re supporting yourself or someone else through grief, remember: healing takes time, and it’s okay to seek help along the way.

For further resources, visit:

• Mind UK: www.mind.org.uk
• Cruse Bereavement Support: www.cruse.org.uk
• Sue Ryder: www.sueryder.org
• Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide – Overcoming the isolation of people bereaved by suicide
• Winston’s Wish – giving hope to grieving children

Together, we can face the pain of loss and rediscover a sense of hope and meaning.

References

1. • Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and Loss: Volume 3. Loss, Sadness and Depression. New York: Basic Books.
   • Ainsworth, M. D. S., & Bowlby, J. (1991). An Ethological Approach to Personality Development. American Psychologist, 46(4), 333-341.
   • Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement: Rationale and Description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197-224.

Each Coaching Psychology relationship I have is unique and tailored to your specific needs, goals, and circumstances. As a Coaching Psychologist I spend time preparing for sessions, reflecting on previous sessions and exploring how I may work with you at every stage of our Coaching Psychology journey together.

For every person I work with, I will adapt my methods, tools, and techniques based on your personality, strengths, challenges, and aspirations. The flexibility of Coaching Psychology ensures that it meets the diverse needs of clients rather than following a rigid, one-size-fits-all approach.

If you’d like to know more about me and how I work, please see my about me page here:
https://empoweryoupsychologicalservices.co.uk/team-member/emma-mudge/

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And if you’d like to book to work with me using Coaching Psychology, starting with a 90-minute initial session, please click here: https://empoweryoupsychologicalservices.janeapp.co.uk/

Emma Mudge

Co-founder and Coaching Psychologist

BSc (Hons), PGCert, PGDip, MSt

Member of the British Psychological Society
& Division of Coaching Psychology – GMBPsS

EmPower You Psychological Services